“Who Am I Now?” How to Create the Relationships and Life You Desire after Massive Change
If you’ve ever gone through a massive life change or challenge, you’ve probably asked yourself the question - aside from “Wtf just happened?” - “What now?” You might feel knocked off balance, disconnected from yourself or others, and long for a sense of certainty. But these moments are the most powerful opportunities for us to reassess our priorities, our blessings, and our values.
In this week’s episode of L3 Philosophy™, my guest Daisy Girifalco and I had a conversation about how each new season of life brings a fresh wave of change—some expected, some completely out of the blue. And with these changes comes an important question to ask yourself: “Who am I now?” Whether it’s your children growing up, your career evolving, or a relationship ending, these moments force us to step back and reevaluate who we are and what we truly want from life and from the people in it. Watch or listen to our episode here:
Rediscovering Yourself Through Life’s Changes
As we navigate different circumstances and phases of life, it’s natural to ask the question: “Who am I now?” For Daisy, the realization hit when her children grew up and began moving out. She shared, “I’m really proud of myself that I very quickly got excited with my kids moving on,” but, as she candidly admitted, that excitement came with a mix of emotions. “I did a lot of crying because it just happens so quickly.”
This moment of emotional reflection is something many of us can relate to. For Daisy, in one moment she was the primary caregiver, the person holding everything together, and the next, her children are growing into young adults. As Daisy put it, “It’s just sad to think about how much time has passed in our lives already.” This experience can be true in other cases as well, such as in romantic relationships coming to an end, or when we’re reassessing our life’s purpose. When our identities have been so tightly tied to others, it’s easy to lose sight of ourselves and forget who we are outside of those roles.
But this isn’t necessarily a negative realization. It’s an opportunity to reflect, to reclaim your passions, and to reconnect with what makes you feel fulfilled. It’s a time for personal growth. Honor the feelings that arise during these transitions. “Every season brings different and new opportunities,” Daisy reminded us, suggesting that even in moments of loss or sadness, there’s room for growth, renewal, and discovering what lies ahead.
Reflect and Practice: Can you answer the question, “Who am I right now?” As you reflect in a journal or through meditation, see if you can go beyond the roles that you have played in the past or are still playing with your response.
Over the coming week, notice whether who you are right now is in alignment with who you want to be as your evolved self. Is there anything you need to start or stop doing or thinking?
Embracing Change and the Evolving Self
When we talk about transitions, we’re not just talking about big life changes like children leaving home or retirement. Life is constantly changing, and so are we. The question “Who am I now?” can apply to any moment when we realize we’ve outgrown a phase, a place, or even a relationship. Daisy made a great point about how transitions often lead to discovering new aspects of ourselves. “You can’t stay in the ‘shoulds,’” she explained. When we try to live our lives according to others' expectations, we lose sight of who we truly are and what we truly want.
For Daisy, embracing change means finding the space to evolve. “You have to accept that things change. People change,” she shared, acknowledging that we aren’t the same people we were 10 or 20 years ago, and neither are our relationships. “Life’s busy, and people are busy,” she added, suggesting that sometimes, relationships simply don’t align with where we’re at in life anymore. And that’s okay. People flow in and out of our lives as we evolve, and that’s part of the beauty of growth.
The important takeaway here is that we should give ourselves permission to change and evolve. “Who am I now?” is a question that doesn’t just reflect our current circumstances but invites us to explore the next chapter of our lives.
Reflect and Practice: What are some “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts” you tell yourself, have been told by others, or live by that aren’t supportive to you anymore? What might feel more supportive instead?
Try to make one small change this month that feels more supportive that outdated “shoulds” or “shouldn’ts” you’be been carrying with you.
Relationships: Redefining Who We Want In Our Lives
Once we’ve taken the time to reflect on who we are and how we’ve changed, the next question is, “What do I want my relationships to look like?” This is a critical moment of self-discovery. As we grow, we realize that not all relationships will or should remain the same. And that’s where Daisy’s wisdom comes in: “It’s okay for people to flow in and out of your life just as you will flow in and out of theirs.”
When relationships evolve, it can be difficult. We often find ourselves holding onto friendships or connections that no longer serve us because we’re afraid of losing that part of our life. But Daisy reminds us that it’s natural for relationships to change over time, and that doesn’t mean they’re failures. “Sometimes those friends go…you become friendly with somebody and realize that they’re not entirely supportive of you,” she explained, highlighting how certain friendships no longer align with who we are becoming.
In fact, Daisy encourages us to embrace the idea that not all friendships need to be permanent. “You don’t need many friends,” she said, stressing the importance of having a few deep, meaningful connections over a large number of acquaintances. It’s about quality, not quantity. The people who truly support us, who align with our values, and who are there for us during transitions, are the ones that matter. “You need people that are going to support you,” she said, pointing out that support, understanding, and alignment with our core values are essential in building the kind of relationships that nourish us.
Building these deeper connections requires us to be intentional. It’s not just about maintaining the relationships we already have but about making room for new ones that reflect the person we’re becoming. Daisy’s own experience with a new project, the Ski Meet app, is a great example of how new relationships can be forged around common interests. As she shared, “It’s a social media site that connects people who enjoy snow sports.” By connecting people around shared passions, Daisy is helping others build relationships that are based on common ground, rather than obligations.
This lesson is crucial when considering who we want in our lives. As we grow and evolve, we can and should intentionally create spaces for relationships that bring us joy, challenge us, and support our growth. In doing so, we’ll surround ourselves with people who reflect our values and our journey, and we’ll stop feeling the need to hold on to connections that don’t serve us anymore.
Reflect and Practice: Are there any relationships that you have outgrown, yet still keep active in your life? Reflect on any boundaries that could be helpful for you to set for yourself or with someone else to make sure you conserve your energy and your overall wellness if the relationship is not reciprocal.
The Value of Vulnerability in Building Authentic Relationships
Right now, think of someone who is unabashedly themselves at all times. It could be someone you know, or even a celebrity. I recently had a coworker give the example of Billy Idol as someone who has elicited a range of opinions from people throughout his lifetime, but he has continued to be nothing other than himself. Whether you love this type of person or can’t stand them, there’s probably some level of respect you have for their level of authenticity. That’s because authenticity requires vulnerability, which is not always an easy attribute to display.
Vulnerability plays a key role in the relationships we build. Whether it’s with our children, our partners, or friends, being open and honest about our needs and our feelings helps foster deeper, more authentic connections. Daisy shared a powerful moment from her own experience: “I went no contact with my mother for reasons of mental illness. I was very honest with my kids about this from the beginning.” This kind of honesty, while difficult, is an essential part of building trust and emotional intimacy with others.
For Daisy, it was important to model transparency and vulnerability for her children. By sharing complex and challenging situations openly, she allowed them to understand the nuances of relationships and boundaries. “It was important to me to model how to set boundaries,” she said, reinforcing the value of being honest about our limits in relationships.
Vulnerability also plays a huge role in our friendships and romantic relationships. It’s easy to hide behind a facade, especially when we fear rejection or judgment. But true connections are built on authenticity, which requires self-acceptance. As Daisy pointed out, “Sometimes relationships don’t work out because people are not aligned with your energy anymore, and that’s okay.” Vulnerability in these moments means recognizing when it’s time to let go of relationships that no longer serve us, even if it’s hard. It’s about being okay with the natural ebb and flow of connections, knowing that they don’t define us, and that we can always find new relationships that are more aligned with where we’re at in life.
Reflect and Practice: Using a percent, how often would you say you show up as authentically you in each of your relationships? In instances where you rated yourself lower than 70%-80%, reflect on the reasons why you feel you cannot be vulnerable or where you may need to practice more self-acceptance.
The Role of Support in Navigating Transitions
One thing I like to remind myself regularly that I haven’t always acknowledged in the past is that it’s important to take responsibility for our own lives, but that doesn’t mean we have to do it alone. This piece of advice comes up often when I work with people as a Breakup & Relationship Coach, as the end of a relationship can be very isolating and lonely. If you need help in this area of your life, I recommend scheduling a Relationship Assessment Call to see what your next steps can be. If anything, it’s an opportunity to talk to someone (me!) who understands and can empathize with where you’ve been and where you are now.
Whenever we are treading unfamiliar waters or facing a challenge, there is immense comfort in knowing that you are not alone. Daisy spoke about her work with young adults, guiding them through the transition from school to young adulthood. “I’m kind of like their secret weapon,” she said, explaining how she helps her clients navigate their new independence and the challenges that come with it. Having someone to lean on during times of transition—whether a coach, therapist, or trusted friend—can help provide perspective and clarity when life feels uncertain.
Remember: We don’t have to go through life’s changes alone. Whether it’s a coach, a friend, or a mentor, the people who help us navigate our transitions are invaluable.
Key Takeaways
Allow yourself to evolve: Life is full of transitions, and as we go through them, we must ask ourselves, “Who am I now?” Embrace the changes and the self-discovery that comes with them.
Don’t be afraid to let go of relationships: Not all relationships are meant to last forever. “It’s okay for people to flow in and out of your life,” Daisy reminds us. As we evolve, so do our relationships.
Quality over quantity: You don’t need many friends; you need a few deep, meaningful connections. “You need people that are going to support you,” Daisy said, emphasizing the importance of surrounding yourself with people who truly align with your values.
Practice vulnerability: Authentic relationships are built on vulnerability. “Being honest about my boundaries helped me create better relationships,” Daisy explained, showing that vulnerability fosters deeper connections.
Seek support during transitions: Life’s changes can be isolating, but you don’t have to navigate them alone. Having support—whether through coaching, therapy, or trusted friends—helps guide us through life’s challenges.
In the end, life is a constant evolution, and so are we. The question isn’t just “Who am I now?” but “Who do I want to be, and who do I want in my life?” By embracing change, redefining our relationships, and leaning into vulnerability, we can create the life—and the relationships—that truly fulfill us.
If you enjoyed this article and want to expand on the reflection exercises in it, You might like these guided journals!
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