Ok…here’s a multiple choice question for you: What’s your relationship to change?

A. It’s scary and/or I don’t like it

B. It’s exciting and I look forward to it

C. I prefer to be comfortable so I tend to avoid it

D. I see change as an opportunity for growth so I am open to it

I’ve certainly selected each of the answers A through D during different parts of my life. What I’ve learned, however, is that life is but an ongoing series of transitions. Therefore, the way you perceive changes can dictate how stressed out or psyched you feel about navigating them.

In my recent episode of L3 Philosophy™, I had a conversation with life coach Karen Owen, who specializes in helping people rediscover their purpose, passions, and most importantly, their joy. In the episode, we talked all about life transitions and how understanding The Change Cycle can help you embrace growth through what can often feel like an emotional rollercoaster. Click below to watch:

Change is a Constant in Life

When I was younger, I had some pretty fixed ideas and expectations for how my life would go romantically, in my career, and even with friendships. It was hard to confront the reality that change is inevitable throughout our lives. Whether we like it or not, change touches every part of our lives from the moment we’re born. From the stages of development to the choices we make in life regarding relationships, jobs, and where to live, it’s all part of the natural rhythm of life.

Something that has helped me embrace change and challenges over the years is that it’s often necessary for our personal growth. "Change can be and often is for the better," Karen shared. We might resist it, feeling comfortable in our current situation, but change is usually pushing us toward something more enriching in our evolution. It might be uncomfortable, but it’s often necessary to move forward.

I recently discovered that the pain we experience in our lives is 10 times more powerful than positive circumstances as a motivator for us to change. Karen added to this idea, “This rings true when we think about the tough moments in our lives — the breakups, the job losses, the moments where we feel stuck. These tough moments are often the catalyst for the transformation we need.”

Reflect and Practice: Notice how your body responds when you think about change. Are there any changes in your life that you have been avoiding or resisting? What will the long-term impact be on your life if you continue to resist them?

The 4 Phases of The Change Cycle: Understand the Process

Change isn’t a one-time event; it’s an ongoing process that unfolds in stages. In our L3 Philosophy™ interview, Karen introduced the idea of the change cycle as presented by Martha Beck in her book Finding Your Own North Star, which is a framework that helps us understand how change plays out in our lives. We move through different phases as we transition, and each phase has its own challenges and lessons.

Are you ready to find out which phase of the change cycle you’re in right now? Let’s explore.

Phase 1: Death and Rebirth

In Phase 1, Karen explained that we experience the "meltdown" from a catalytic event — the hard part of change where everything feels overwhelming, chaotic, and uncertain. This is the phase where we might feel like everything is falling apart. It’s the emotional equivalent of a caterpillar dissolving into goo inside its cocoon. It’s a time of grieving the loss of your old identity. It’s grappling with the overwhelming sense of uncertainty about what comes next.

As a Breakup & Relationship coach, I immediately consider a devastating life event through the lens of a breakup or divorce and imagine what this phase 1 looks like, because I know it all too well: You feel depressed, hopeless, alone and unmotivated, to name a few. Sometimes you become goo on the couch in front of the TV or so depressed that you don’t want to get out of bed and start your day because it’s all so overwhelming. This phase may include fears like, “Where do I go now? How will I ever move forward?”

Whether you're facing a breakup, job loss, or other life-altering event, Karen reminded us that this phase is about allowing yourself the time and space to grieve, wrapping yourself in a blanket, sipping tea, and accepting where you are.

The key to navigating this stage is self-compassion and patience. Avoid rushing into big decisions—like rebound relationships—that don’t honor the time needed for healing and self-discovery. Karen shared, "You haven’t come back to that centered position yet." Instead, focus on small steps, lean on trusted support systems, and give yourself permission to cocoon and recalibrate before emerging into the next phase.

Phase 2: Dreaming and Scheming

The second phase of the change cycle, "Reformation," is where the grieving begins to subside, and a new sense of self starts to emerge. Karen explained that this stage is often called "dreaming and scheming," where small, organic insights and inspirations begin to appear, guiding you toward a redefined identity. It's a passive, observational phase—marked by moments of conscious daydreaming, like envisioning the type of partner you'd want after a breakup or reimagining your living space to reflect your evolving self.

This phase is experimental, allowing you to try on different identities, whether through a new hairstyle, clothing, or even a shift in personal interests. In this phase, it’s important to be curious and playful, following "the breadcrumb trail" of what feels exciting or new, rather than falling back into old patterns. Vision boards, journaling, and gentle planning help bring these dreams to life, laying the foundation for your next steps.

It’s a time to reconnect with yourself and explore who you’re becoming with a sense of curiosity and openness. For a step-by-step guide about how to make a vision board, watch this video or read my article “The Ultimate Guide to Creating a 2025 Vision Board That Actually Works”.

Phase 3: The Hero’s Sauga

Phase 3 of the change cycle, known as the "Hero's Saga," is where dreams start materializing through bold, courageous action. Karen explains that this phase requires stepping outside of your comfort zone and taking risks—like an aspiring artist approaching galleries to showcase their work. It's called the hero's saga because it mirrors the stories of heroes facing challenge after challenge, trying and failing repeatedly but persisting until they succeed.

I’ve experienced this phase numerous times in my life, as we all most likely have, but one event in particular was most impactful. Throughout a past on and off relationship, I had begun writing short vignettes to express how I was feeling. Over time, I played with the idea of turning them into a book, but I did not consider myself a writer nor an author. Once I decided “Why not me?”, phase three looked like sitting in my bucket seat in front of my favorite window and writing for eight to ten hours per day until my book was done. I was incredibly uncomfortable with the idea of what I had written being public, as it is a spicy memoir that would leave me completely vulnerable. But, as this phase requires of us, I had to push through that discomfort and do something grand. I published the book, Who Is Your Red Dress? One Woman’s Quest to Break Up with a Love Addiction, and found it to be one of the most healing experiences I’ve ever had. I then went on to publish four guided journals, as I now could think of myself as an author - a title I never expected I would embody.

Karen emphasizes the importance of expecting setbacks and viewing them as learning opportunities rather than failures, highlighting the value of pivoting or refining dreams when necessary. This phase is about persistence, self-trust, and maintaining hope, even in moments of uncertainty or fear, because success lies in continuing through the tunnel, not stopping halfway.

Phase 4: The Promised Land

In Phase 4, we are "flying" — we’ve adapted, we’ve settled into the new reality, and we’re soaring. The good news, Karen points out, is that when we reach this phase, we don’t have to make huge changes anymore. "We’re just making little tweaks," she says. We’re moving through life, aware that change is always coming, but we’re no longer in crisis mode. We’re simply moving along, knowing that the cycle will repeat.

But what Karen reminds us is that no matter how high we fly, life’s change cycle will continue. "Something is going to change," she notes, emphasizing that we’ll always be moving from one cycle to the next. We can’t escape it. Just as we grow from one stage of life to another, we will experience new transitions, challenges, and opportunities for growth.

Reflect and Practice: Which phase of the change cycle do you think you are in right now? Take a moment to reflect on three to five emotions you have been experiencing in this phase.

Remember that regardless of whether these emotions feel uplifting and expansive or uncomfortable and restrictive, simply bringing awareness to them and accepting where you are in this cycle has tremendous benefits.

Embracing the Unknown: The Role of Relationships and Growth

Throughout our discussion, Karen highlights the important role relationships play in our lives as we go through these cycles of change. Whether it's a romantic relationship, friendships, or family dynamics, relationships can be impacted by our own growth and transitions. She emphasizes, "People are going to come and go," which is something we need to learn to accept. People come into our lives for different reasons and seasons, and sometimes they leave as naturally as they arrived.

This is a tough concept for many of us to grasp, especially when we feel like we've lost someone close to us. It’s easy to take it personally, but as Karen points out, "Sometimes it’s just the natural progression of things." Our interests change, our identities evolve, and the relationships we once held dear might fade. But instead of clinging to them, Karen encourages us to “appreciate people for when they are in your life." The key takeaway here is that life’s transitions can often mean a natural shift in our relationships, and that’s okay.

Reflect and Practice: Reflect on any people who have come and gone over the years of your life. Where were you in your own life journey at the time, and what did you learn from them? Is there anything you still need to learn about yourself as you contemplate the nature of those relationships?

Cultivating Joy Amidst Change

One of the most impactful parts of our conversation was Karen’s perspective on joy. She believes that when we focus on finding joy in the small things, everything else in life tends to fall into place. "Joy is wherever you find it," she shares, stressing that joy doesn’t have to be a grand, over-the-top experience. It can be as simple as finding a leaf shaped like a heart during a walk. Joy, in Karen’s eyes, is a quiet fulfillment that comes from appreciating the present moment and the beauty of life.

Karen also notes that joy is different from happiness. While happiness is often tied to external circumstances or achievements, joy comes from within. It’s a deeper sense of contentment that we can carry with us, regardless of what’s happening around us. "When you have that fulfillment, when you're filled with joy, other things come," she adds, highlighting that joy has a way of multiplying. When we focus on what brings us joy, it creates a ripple effect that impacts every part of our lives, from our work to our relationships and beyond. This message is a beautiful reminder that our purpose isn’t just about achieving big goals or success; it’s about cultivating joy in the small moments that make life rich and fulfilling.

Reflect and Practice: Explore whether you rely more on external circumstances for happiness or if you’ve cultivated an inner sense of joy. In your journal, reflect: How do you currently differentiate between joy and happiness in your life?

As a practice, consider starting a Joy Visualization, where you spend 5 minutes daily visualizing how joy feels in your body. Picture it expanding and touching other areas of your life, reinforcing its ripple effect.

Rediscovering Your Purpose: The Power of Small Steps

A final concept from our conversation is about rediscovering your purpose during times of change. Karen’s approach is centered around helping people align with what truly lights them up — and that’s often a process of trial and error, small steps, and constant reflection. "Your purpose doesn’t have to be some huge, life-altering thing," she reminds us. It can be about pursuing what feels right in the moment, what brings you joy, and what fulfills you.

It’s easy to get caught up in the pressure of having it all figured out, especially during a transition. But Karen’s advice is to take small steps towards what makes you feel alive. "It’s the little things that make a big difference," she says. And through those small moments of alignment, you’ll find that your purpose begins to unfold in ways you never expected.

Key Takeaways

Change is inevitable and ongoing. Life is a constant cycle of transitions, and while it can feel overwhelming at times, it's also an opportunity for growth. Embrace change as part of the process, even when it’s uncomfortable.
Life’s transitions come with both challenges and opportunities. Whether it’s a relationship shift, a new job, or a major life event, each transition brings with it the chance to grow, evolve, and become more aligned with your true self.
People come and go. Relationships will shift as you evolve. Some people will stay with you for the long haul, while others will enter and exit your life for different seasons. Accept this natural flow and appreciate people for the time they share with you.
Grieve your losses, but don’t hold on. It’s okay to feel sad when a relationship changes or a chapter closes. Give yourself permission to grieve, but also trust that life will bring new experiences and people into your life.
Joy is the key to fulfillment. Focus on finding joy in the small moments of life. When you cultivate joy, it will multiply and positively impact all aspects of your life, from relationships to career to personal growth.
Your purpose is found in the small steps. Rediscover your purpose by taking small, intentional actions that align with what brings you joy and fulfillment. Your purpose doesn’t need to be a grand achievement — it’s about pursuing what feels right for you, one step at a time.

If you enjoyed this article and want to expand on the reflection exercises in it, You might like these guided journals!

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