8 Questions to Accurately Identify Your Biggest Problem So You Can Take (the Best) Action To Move Forward
If you’re reading this, chances are you’ve been feeling stuck, frustrated, or unsure about how to move forward in a particular area of your life. Maybe you’ve been trying to heal from something, rebuild after a significant loss, or step into a new chapter but keep hitting the same roadblocks. If so, I want you to know that you’re not alone—and you’re in the right place! This blog is all about how to “L3”: Love Yourself, Love Your Relationships, and Love Your Life, or as I like to call it, my L3 Philosophy™.
In this blog post, I’ll walk you through how to pinpoint your real problem—the one at the root of your struggles—so you can finally take effective steps to overcome it. Spoiler alert: your biggest challenge may not be what you think it is.
You can also click below to watch the video!
Why Identifying the Real Problem is Critical
Imagine you have flu-like symptoms: fever, fatigue, and aches. You might assume it’s the flu and start treating it with rest and hydration. But what if the real cause is an infected tooth? The treatments for the flu and an infection are entirely different. Treating the wrong issue would mean your symptoms persist—or worse, get more severe.
The same principle applies to challenges in your life. We often focus on surface-level symptoms rather than digging deeper to uncover the true source of the problem. For example:
You might think your problem is that your husband or wife asked for a divorce, but the root issue could be that you have difficulty creating and maintaining intimacy with another person long-term.
You might believe “all the people I date are jerks,” but the deeper issue could be that you haven’t taken the time to define what you want in a partner, leading you to settle for relationships that don’t align with your values.
You might think that your problem is that you don’t enjoy your job or feel like your life is boring. Instead, the problem may be that you haven’t connected to your deeper purpose yet and have no idea what kind of contribution to the world would be the most fulfilling for you.
Understanding your core problem is the first step toward finding an effective solution. Let’s break this process down.
Step 1: Identify Your #1 Challenge
When I work with people one-on-one as a Breakup & Relationship coach, I always start with this question on our very first call: “Out of everything you’re struggling with right now, what would you say is your #1 challenge?”
Most people respond with long, detailed stories. While those stories provide context, they often circle around the real issue rather than hitting it head-on. This is why asking targeted, guiding questions is so valuable.
Now, I want you to go through this process with me. Grab a pen and paper, and write down your answers to these questions:
Out of everything you’re struggling with, what is your #1 challenge?
(Don’t overthink it—write the first thing that comes to mind.)What are the top 4–5 emotions you’re feeling because of this struggle?
(For example, are you feeling angry, sad, hopeless, or frustrated?)What is causing you to feel each of these emotions?
(Dig deeper here. If you’re feeling angry, is it because of betrayal? If you’re feeling sad, is it due to a sense of abandonment or failure?)How long have you felt this way?
How is this impacting your day-to-day life?
What will it cost you if nothing changes?
(This is an important question because it helps you see the urgency of addressing the issue.)Finally, clearly state your problem in 1–2 sentences.
For example, “I feel stuck because I’ve been holding onto resentment after my breakup, which prevents me from moving forward.”
Taking the time to articulate your core problem will give you clarity and help you move away from generalizations or surface-level frustrations.
Step 2: Define Your Desired Outcome
Once you’ve identified your problem, the next step is to focus on where you want to go. This involves imagining your ideal emotional state. Here’s how:
8. If this was an ideal world, how would you want to feel day-to-day?
Write down 4–5 emotions you’d like to experience regularly. (For example: calm, joyful, confident, loved, and
inspired.)
Get specific.
Words like “happy” and “loved” are great, but they mean different things to different people. Take a moment to define what those feelings look like for you. Does “happy” mean feeling content with your work? Does “loved” mean having a partner who listens and supports you?
By clearly defining your desired emotional state, you create a roadmap for where you want to go.
Step 3: Bridge the Gap
Now that you know where you are (your current challenge) and where you want to be (your desired emotional state), it’s time to figure out how to get from Point A to Point B.
Here’s how to start:
Look at the emotions you currently feel and compare them to the emotions you want to feel.
Ask yourself:
What tangible actions can help me feel more of the emotions I want?
What do I need to start doing?
What do I need to do less of—or stop doing altogether?
Let’s say your current emotions include loneliness and hopelessness, and your desired emotions are connected and confident. To feel more connected, you might decide to join a local hobby group or schedule weekly phone calls with a close friend. To feel more confident, you might start journaling daily affirmations or taking a course to build a new skill.
Why Consistency Matters
Change doesn’t happen overnight. To make real progress, focus on one action step at a time and stay consistent with it. For example:
If your goal is to feel more confident, commit to practicing self-affirmations or setting a powerful intention every morning for 30 days.
If your goal is to feel more connected, dedicate one evening a week to socializing, even if it feels uncomfortable at first.
The key is to start small and build momentum. Consistency over time creates lasting transformation.
What If You’re Feeling Stuck?
It’s common to feel overwhelmed or unmotivated, especially if you’re dealing with difficult emotions like sadness, frustration, or loneliness. This is where having support can make all the difference.
Many of my clients come to me because they’ve been stuck in the same patterns for years. They’ve tried talking to friends or therapists but haven’t made the progress they want. Why? Because they often need more actionable strategies, accountability, or simply a safe space to reflect and be vulnerable.
For men, especially, finding a safe space to share emotions can be incredibly challenging due to societal norms. If this resonates with you, know that it’s okay to seek help. You deserve a space where you can express yourself without judgment.
If you would like help with getting unstuck or navigating what your true core problems are so you can find the best solution, book a complimentary Relationship Assessment Call with me here to see if we would be a good fit to work together. You will leave the call with clarity around what your very next steps should be, whether that is us working together or something else.
Moving Forward
I hope the steps I’ve shared today help you gain clarity about your core challenge and the next steps you can take to address it. Remember, healing and growth are journeys, not destinations. Be patient with yourself and celebrate every small win along the way.
If you’d like more guidance, I’ve created a free resource: The Top 3 Reasons Why Women & Men Can’t Break Free from Unfulfilling or Toxic Relationships (and How to Overcome Them). It also includes a bonus Relationship Cheat Sheet to help you define your ideal partnership. You can find the link below.
Thank you for being here. It’s truly my pleasure to believe in you and amplify your soul’s desires.
With love and inspiration,
Emmi Fortin
Breakup & Relationship Coach
Host of L3 Philosophy™ with Emmi
If you need more help, schedule a complimentary call with me here to determine if we would be a good fit to work together to help you move forward and achieve the life you desire.
If you liked the prompts and questions in this article, You might like these guided journals!
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